Jokers Wild
by travln1
Summary: House, Cuddy & Wilson attend a convention in Vegas. House and Wilson make a bet someone at the convention will get hitched. A fun little crackfic. No spoilers, this one is safe.
1. Chapter 1

Here it is, a crackfic; just some fun in the aftermath of the rather depressing finale. This is nothing but silliness and AU because who knows where it would fall in the timeline given the finale, and it would never happen anyway. This will be heavy on the dialogue, light on description, just cause I feel like it. Enjoy!

"Absolutely not. No. No way."

"Wilson, this isn't an option. The board took a vote and you were chosen to represent the oncology staff."

"I was only chosen to chaperone HIM. You weren't there at the last convention; it took me a week to fully recover. You're going, _you_ chaperone him."

"There is absolutely no way I will share a room with House. How can I fully chaperone him if I'm not in the same room?"

A gravely voice emerged from the darkest corner of the hospital's cafeteria, "You talk as if I'm not an adult."

Jumping at the sound of his voice, she remained with her eyes locked on Wilson, not turning to face the limping twerp as he approached, "Your adult status is debatable, especially after that stunt with the laxative laced suckers at the front desk."

"Hey, any parent who shoves candy into their kid's mouth to shut them up will eventually have to face the dental consequences. It was all done for the sake of saving some poor kid from excruciating dental work."

"Ah, yes, well the saint once again rises from the ashes." Wilson quipped.

"Did I ever mention my nickname is Phoenix?"

"So, Hotlips," House said, raising his eyebrows twice, "Should we get a hotel room with one bed or two at the convention?"

"I don't know Hawkeye. Why don't you ask him?" she asked motioning towards Wilson, "He's your roomie."

"Hey, I thought it was just the two of us going on this romantic Vegas holiday?" he smirked.

"House, this is an educational seminar in which YOU are giving a speech on diagnostics, and this is in no way a romantic anything."

"Hey, just because you're not interested in a romantic getaway doesn't mean Wilson and I can't have a little fun, right Jimmy?" House said furtively.

"Weekend of my dreams, _Greggie_," he said with a roll of his eyes.

* * *

"Can you believe that?" House said, turning around in the rental car to watch the sign fade into the distance, "Drive through marriages! How utterly romantic!"

"Did you see that one over there?" Wilson quipped, pointing in the opposite direction, "Marriages performed by Elvis, Cher or Dolly Parton."

"Dolly Parton, definitely," House bit into a candy bar and offered the uneaten part to Cuddy, who turned up her nose. "How much you wanna bet someone from our convention will get hitched this weekend?"

"Na, won't happen," Wilson shooed the half eaten candy bar out of his face.

House took another bite, mumbling, "Why not?"

"People aren't here to get married, they're here to gamble and attend the seminar."

"Want to put money where your mouth is?"

"How much?"

"Oh honestly House, no one's getting married this weekend," Cuddy finally butted in, growing tired of listening to the two.

Wilson looked at Cuddy and egged her on, "A hundred bucks?"

"Make it two," House added, "You in?" he asked, looking at her.

Cuddy shook her head, "Not a chance."

"Your loss," House said, stuffing the half eaten candy bar into the outside pocket of her suitcase, unbeknownst to her.

* * *

"Two rooms, 304 and 310."

"Not adjoining rooms?" House asked the clerk.

"Sorry sir, we have only these two rooms left."

Cuddy grabbed her room key out of House's hand, "Thank goodness for that," she said, heading towards the elevator bay.

* * *

"I'm going down to gamble, coming?" Wilson asked.

"I've got plans to bug Miss. Funbags. Meet for dinner later?"

"No, I'm going to gamble for a bit before ordering room service, I'm tired."

"Suit yourself."

* * *

Cuddy stepped out of the shower, wrapped one towel around her head, and one around her torso before opening the bathroom door. Upon opening it, she was thoroughly frightened by the tall figure standing on the threshold to the bathroom; before she realized it was him, she took a few stumbling steps backwards screaming, and losing her balance, she fell squarely on her tush.

"Dammit HOUSE!" Cuddy scrambled to cover her partially exposed front, embarrassed more than anything else, and now acutely aware of the sharp pain stemming from her backside.

House pursed his lips, not meaning to scare her to the point of falling but he couldn't contain the subsequent smirk, unable to help himself, "Good thing you've got a large cushion to fall on."

"Get out."

His shoulders dropped, realizing her fury. House extended a helping hand, "Come on."

"I don't need your help."

"Cuddy, get up off your ass, don't be one. Just take my hand."

"Who's being the ass?" She retorted, reaching for his hand, "And don't try to steal my towel." She grimaced as she stood.

With a sly smile he asked, "Want me take a look at that?"

She sighed, giving him an incredulous look, "Hand me my clothes and let me get dressed in peace." He complied, whisking the casual outfit from the hotel bed with his cane and tossing it to her before retreating to the bedroom, checking out the mini-fridge.

Nearly half an hour later, Cuddy emerged from the bathroom, "You're still here?"

House patted the bed, motioning for her to take a seat next to him, "Here, drink up."

She shook her head, "House."

"Oh come on, the seminar doesn't start until tomorrow, relax and enjoy a drink. Afraid you can't finish the whole bottle?" he asked sarcastically as he held up the mini bottle of vodka.

Cuddy raised one eyebrow, and not wanting to show any sign of weakness, she took the small bottle from him and downed it in one gulp. House looked on in approval.

"Where's Wilson?" she asked.

"Gambling, said he was going to turn in early," House eyed her, half smiling, "Let's go raid the buffet."

"I hate buffets."

"Fine, there's a diner downstairs."

"I don't want a burger."

House sighed deeply, "There's an Italian restaurant. Will that do?" Cuddy nodded.

* * *

House studied Cuddy as she studied the menu. The waitress approached and without giving her the chance to order, he ordered for them both.

"Stuffed mushrooms to start, she'll have the vegetable marinara with angel hair, no capers and a glass of the house chardonnay and I'll have the filet of beef, medium rare with the garlic mashed potatoes and a glass of the house merlot." The waitress nodded and turned away before Cuddy could protest.

She shook her head, "You didn't give me the chance to say anything. What if I wanted something else?"

"Do you?"

Damn, she knew he had her. She rolled her eyes, "You should have allowed me to order for myself."

"You're a vegetarian Cuddy, there were only two options on the menu without meat and you don't like cheese filled manicotti. You only ever drink white wine and you hate capers. Am I wrong?"

It angered her to know that he was right, while simultaneously touched that he knew her so well, "No."

The waitress returned with the wine, bread and a small dish of olive oil and balsamic vinegar. House picked up his wine and held it up in a toast, waiting for Cuddy to do the same.

"What are we toasting?" She asked skeptically.

"To a painless convention this weekend and to at least one couple getting hitched."

Cuddy smiled, half chuckling. She raised her glass and clinked it with his, "To a very painless convention and I can't believe you'd toast your bet with Wilson." House smiled furtively and sipped his wine.


	2. Chapter 2

"Would you care to hear about our desserts?" the waitress asked at the end of the meal.

"Yes," he said, "No," she said. Cuddy looked at House and then nodded in agreement.

"We have three desserts tonight, dark chocolate covered strawberries and cherries, bananas foster and lemon sorbet."

Again without consulting Cuddy, House spoke for the both of them, "The chocolate covered strawberries and cherries, with two glasses of your best champagne." The waitress nodded.

"House!"

"What? We're not paying for it."

"Exactly."

House rolled his eyes, "Just enjoy it."

She covered her mouth and yawned deeply, "I don't know if it's the wine, the vodka or the jet lag, but I'm exhausted. What time is it?"

House chuckled, "It's only seven o'clock."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Long day, and it's ten o'clock our time."

A short time later, the waitress returned with the dessert and the wine and again House raised his glass in a toast.

"What are we toasting this time?"

He thought momentarily, studying her and very honestly, quietly, he looked at her and said, "You."

She looked at him in confusion, "Me?"

"Don't make me say it again, must be the jet lag," he raised his glass a little higher, touched the rim of his glass with hers and took a long drink. Blushing, she sipped hers before taking one of the strawberries and sinking her teeth into.

House watched her as she gazed at the couples on the dance floor. He saw the look in her eye, the hint of a smile and the longing look in her eye.

He took a deep breath and sighed, rolling his eyes a bit, "Do you want to dance?" She turned to look at him and glanced at his leg before looking him in the eye.

He looked at her, trying to disregard the pity in her eyes, "I can't do the jive, but I can handle a slow song."

Not knowing why, perhaps the bit of alcohol made her do it, she nodded in agreement and the two approached the dance floor. The slow song started, House hooked his cane to his left arm and took her hand in his, "This isn't a junior high dance, you can step a little closer to me," he said, noting the large gap between the two of them.

Cuddy eyed him, smiled and stepped closer, and the two swayed to the music. As the song reached its midway point, Cuddy relaxed and placed her head on his shoulder. House adjusted his hand from her waist to her back and without realizing it, he smiled.

"How long have we known each other?" she asked, not lifting her head from his shoulder.

He thought for a minute, "I guess if you count college, more than twenty years now."

"So, why can't you be this nice more often?"

"Hey, who said I was being nice?"

She smiled, "Sorry, wouldn't want to ruin your rep, it's just…" she was almost afraid to say it, afraid he'd take offense and go back to the table, "This is pleasant."

"You did not just call me pleasant."

"And yet you haven't run off yet."

"Maybe I'm trying to woo you."

She turned her head on his shoulder so that her nose now faced his neck, "Woo me?" She sighed, realizing where this was going, "You don't seriously think I'd marry you for a stupid bet."

"We could have it annulled on Monday."

"It would cost more to get married than you'd win from Wilson."

"It's not the money, it's the winning that counts."

"I have had entirely too much to drink if I'm even remotely considering this," she looked him in the eye, shaking her head, "I can't House."

"What if I got down on one knee?"

"You'd never get up."

He chuckled, not in the least bit offended, "So I have to be pleasant, but you don't?"

"We don't have a marriage license or anything. What would my family say? What would the staff at work say? If anyone ever found out…"

"You really have had too much to drink, haven't you?" he said smiling at her unabashedly as he watched her run through the possibilities, "We get the marriage license online and it's fifty-five dollars, or we could go in person; they're open until midnight. The marriage commissioner can perform the ceremony for fifty bucks or we could get Elvis to officiate."

"You've been planning this."

"No, just looked it up online when we got here."

The music stopped playing and they stood there staring at each other. Another slow song began and they remained on the dance floor, dancing but only just, both caught up in their own thoughts.

"Come on Cuddy, it would be the best prank ever pulled."

"And what would I get out of this little arrangement?"

"Bragging rights," he quipped.

Wrong choice off words, apparently; her demeanor quickly changed, "I can't."

"I'll even buy you a ring."

"No."

"A week of extra clinic hours."

"Wow, you're offering clinic hours? A month at least. Why do you really want to get married?"

House went in for the kill, "Haven't you ever wanted to know what marriage is like?"

That did it, the look on her face spoke volumes and for a fraction of a second, he felt guilty for having asked, seeing the pain and want in her eyes. She said nothing, afraid to admit that she had always wondered, had always hoped, had always dreamed she'd be married by now.

House stepped back from her and kneeled down on one knee. With a devious smile and a twinkle in his eye he asked, "Lisa Cuddy, will you marry me?"

Before she could answer, the other couples on the dance floor stopped and turned to look at the pair. House's eyes lit up and Cuddy blushed, "I am so going to regret this. I want a real wedding, no drive-thrus, no Elvis or Dolly Partons and it has to be annulled on Monday. A ring, flowers and pictures so I can blackmail you later."

"So, will you marry me?"

She nodded, unable to keep herself from laughing at the absurdity of it all, "Yes," and the entire restaurant erupted into applause.

House stood and Cuddy tipped her chin down in embarrassment and much to her horror, they soon heard everyone at the surrounding tables begin to tap their glasses with various utensils and from the back, they heard someone shout out, "Kiss her you fool!"

Much to Cuddy's amusement and to her amazement, she watched as the unflappable House blushed in embarrassment, took her head into his hands, looked her in the eye and smiled sheepishly before he lightly kissed her on the lips. He then led her back to the table where they sat down and finished off the strawberries and cherries and gulped down the last of the champagne.

"Are we really going to do this?" she asked. He nodded.

The waitress approached the table, handing over the bill, "Congratulations! You make a beautiful couple."

Feeling slightly tipsy and a bit giggly, Cuddy thanked her and House choked a bit on his champagne.

* * *

A/N: Told ya this was a crackfic and the ridiculousness has only just begun!


	3. Chapter 3

"Let me see that one," he said, pointing to a shiny silver ring, "How much?"

"Nine hundred."

"Whoa, no, no. Where're your discount rings, nothing that'll turn our fingers green?"

The pawn shop attendant raised his eyebrows and turned to look at Cuddy, "Last of the great big spenders huh? Looks like you've got yourself a real winner there."

"You have no idea," she said, chuckling.

"Here you go, fifty bucks and under. No diamonds, no frills," the attendant set out a small tray of rings.

Cuddy reached for a silver ring with a leafy vine etched around the middle. It was simple, but pretty and it would have to do given it was one of only three rings small enough to fit her finger. The other two were plain, boring.

"How much is this one?"

"Fifty."

House nodded, "And this one?" he asked, holding up a plain silver band.

"Twenty five."

"I'll give you sixty for the pair."

"Uh-huh, no dice."

"Okay, fine. Lets go Cuddy," House grabbed her hand and steered them towards the entrance and Cuddy grimaced at being yanked unexpectedly, something which did not go unnoticed by House.

The attendant called out, "Wait, I can let them go for sixty-five."

"You should really get that boil lanced," House said as he forked over the cash.

"What are you a doctor or something?" the attendant said sarcastically.

"Or something."

* * *

"That's it? This is all we need to get married?" Cuddy asked, her hand occasionally massaging her back.

"Yep, the license expires one year from today."

"No blood tests?" House asked. Cuddy shot him a look indicating they wouldn't be doing anything to warrant the need of a blood test.

"Nope."

* * *

"What time is it now?" Cuddy looked at House as they exited the elevator.

"Nine thirty. Can you be ready in half an hour?"

"Can you? And no jeans either."

"How's your back?"

She raised her eyebrow, "Fine."

"Sure it is, you've been wincing all night."

"Just hurry up and get ready, we're already running late."

* * *

House tip toed around his shared hotel room, trying carefully not to wake a deeply sleeping Wilson. He showered, donned his presentation suit for the next day, sans tie, and for just a second, thought about waking Wilson to ask if he'd like to go along. Deciding against it, he grabbed his wallet and headed towards the lobby.

* * *

He watched as she exited the elevator clad in a cream colored skirt and matching woven jacket. Not exactly what she would have chosen to get married in, but it would have to suffice. He'd seen her in that suit countless times, and yet tonight he thought she looked just a bit more radiant, almost happy.

She walked gingerly towards House and he frowned, "What's wrong with your back?"

"Hmmm, it wouldn't have anything to do with falling on my ass earlier, would it? Give me one of your vicodin."

"You should try ibuprofen first. You've had too much to dri…"

"Shut up and give me one." House pursed his lips, placed the bag he was holding on the ground and forked over a white pill.

"You should only take half."

"I can hold my liquor and my vicodin, thanks."

"Since when have you ever taken vicodin?"

"Car accident, nine years ago while visiting my girlfriend in New Mexico. I told you about it, remember?"

"You told me it wasn't that bad."

"Everybody lies, right? I haven't had any vicodin since but I didn't have any trouble with it back then," she tried to divert his attention, "What's in the bag?"

As she swallowed the pill, House reached down and pulled out a cream colored veil and a bouquet of cream and pale pink roses and silently handed them to Cuddy.

She smiled, surprised at his gesture, "House? Sure you're feeling okay? This is…this is thoughtful."

"Don't start, let's just get this over with."

"Well, since you're being so romantic," she said, rolling her eyes.

* * *

They stood in the marriage commissioner's office with the commissioner before them and a woman who looked like she was old enough to be his mother, off to the side. She was holding the throw away camera that House had purchased, and served as witness.

Cuddy completed her vows feeling jittery throughout. When House said a tentative, "I do," it was followed by a single tear running down Cuddy's cheek. Rings were placed on equally shaky fingers with little fanfare and before they knew it, the civil ceremony was complete.

"You can kiss your bride now," the commissioner said mundanely.

"Oh, right," House leaned in for a quick peck on Cuddy's lips and just as he did, the older woman snapped a picture, blinding everyone temporarily and immortalizing the moment. Cuddy laughed and he smiled. They stared into each others eyes, each wondering what they had just done, simultaneously admiring the person they were gazing at.

House smiled broadly, said, "Oh, what the hell," and grabbed Cuddy by the back of her neck, pulling her in for a long and deep kiss and she didn't fight it. The older woman snapped as many pictures as the camera would allow, including a couple of the two of them standing arm in arm with the commissioner sporting a fake grin and the entire ordeal was over in less than ten minutes.

"Your marriage certificate should arrive at the address you provided in approximately two weeks. Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. House!"

Cuddy gasped loudly, "What do you mean two weeks?"

"Standard procedure."

House closed his eyes briefly, "So, we can't get this annulled until we get the official certificate?"

"Depends on your state, but generally yes; hey, with a kiss like that, you two won't be getting an annulment anyway, right?"

"Right," Cuddy whispered.

* * *

She hit him on the arm on the way back in the cab, "You said Monday House."

"I didn't realize we wouldn't get the official certificate today, Mrs. House."

"Stop that right there, no one can know about this, do you understand? You just bought yourself two months of extra clinic duty." Cuddy winced again, shifting in her seat.

"Guess you're not up for the honeymoon festivities?" He asked, hiding the concern in his voice.

"Oh no. No way are we consummating this marriage. I knew this was a bad idea. Vicodin should have a warning label: Take with food and avoid taking on your wedding day."

"I want to look at your back when get to the hotel."

"House, no way are you seeing me without my clothes on. Nope, not going to happen."

"Strictly medical Cuddy."

"My back is fine, nothing a good night's sleep and the erasure of tonight's events won't cure."

"Uh-uh. You're not getting out of it; I'm going to look at your back if I have to drug you to do it." She glared at him but was too tired to argue, and they sat in silence for the remainder of the cab ride, oblivious to the cabbie who sat shaking his head.


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks for all the reviews! I have to say, I'm having a blast with this story!

**Chapter 4**

House once again tip toed around a sleeping Wilson, digging through his suitcase for a stethoscope.

A groggy, "House?" could be heard from the bed nearest the window.

"Go back to sleep Wilson."

"Why are you digging in my suitcase?"

"Where's your stethoscope?"

"Outside pocket, is someone sick?"

"No, just got married to a showgirl and the stethoscope is for kinky sex. Go back to sleep, see you later."

"Right, showgirl, married, kinky se…" Wilson drifted off to sleep.

House silently chuckled, imagining what Wilson would say when he found out; he ran through a dozen possible ways to break the news to him, each more enticing than the next. As he did so, he grabbed a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. The more he thought about it, he thought he might not say anything to Wilson, hoping he would be astute enough to note the wedding bands that both he and Cuddy were wearing.

* * *

"Stop talking so I can hear your heart."

"You carry a stethoscope everywhere you go?"

"No, what do I look like, a responsible member of the medical profession? It's Wilson's, now shut up." House listened to Cuddy's heart and pulled her shirt up half way to listen to her belly.

"What are you doing?"

"Listening to your bowel sounds, now shhhhh."

Cuddy rolled her eyes, "Honestly, I'm fine. I fell on my butt and bruised my backside. House, it's late and we have to be up early, I'm so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open," she said with a yawn.

"I'm tired too, but I'm going to look you over. Can't have my new wife dying on me now, can I?"

"I'm not dying, and don't call me your wife."

House glanced at her hand, "Where's your ring?"

"You've got to be kidding? This isn't for real House."

"I'm still wearing mine."

"I bet you won't wear it through the night."

"I'll take that bet. I bet two month's clinic hours that I'll wear it until we have this sham of a marriage annulled."

"You're on."

"I wasn't finished yet, you have to wear yours too."

"And what do I get if I do?"

"If I lose, I'll actually do those clinic hours."

"Not much of a prize. You're stubborn enough to wear the damned thing until we do get it annulled, which means the two months I won earlier would be canceled out."

"Fine, what do you want then?"

"If I wear this ring until our marriage is annulled, I want you to conduct a semester length seminar on diagnostics for first year students."

"Oh that's harsh."

"Take it or leave it, I have no problem not wearing that wedding band."

"You'd never wear it the whole time anyway."

"Take the bet and find out."

"Fine, I take that bet."

House placed the stethoscope on the bed and then used his hands to feel her ribs, causing Cuddy to gasp at his sudden touch.

"Before you ask, I'm checking for broken ribs."

"I fell on my butt, not my ribs."

He leaned down and placed his lips on her forehead.

She whispered, "What are you doing?"

"Are you always this annoying? The lips are more sensitive when trying to determine temperature. Unless you have a thermometer, do you?"

"No."

"Then stop talking and let me do my job."

"I'm not your patient."

"Shut up and turn over."

She eyed him suspiciously but did as he asked, so that she was now lying on her stomach, "No funny business." House ignored her and again listened to her heart by placing the stethoscope on her back.

"Lift your shirt up to your shoulders."

"No."

"I'm looking at your back, not your front. Lift it up." She complied.

House ran his hands down her back palpating, pressing and feeling for anything unusual, "You've got a bruise starting at the small of your back," House placed his hands on her pants, pulling them down slightly at the waistband to get a better look.

Cuddy reached around and pulled them back up, "No."

"I need to see your bruise."

"It's a bruise, black and blue. You don't need to look at it."

"Cuddy."

"House."

"Fine," he continued palpating her back, "You've got a little swelling, and it's hot to the touch right here," he kept his hand in one spot, "Does this hurt?"

"Yes,"

"We really need a CT scan or even an MRI. An x-ray would be better than nothing."

"It's a bruise, I'll be fine in a couple of days."

"You are stubborn."

"I take after you."

"Stay put, I'm getting some ice," he said, pulling her shirt down to its proper place.

"House," she whispered.

"Yeah?"

He heard a very sleepy, "Thanks."

House grabbed the ice bucket and the thin plastic liner and limped out to the ice machine, filled both up with ice and returned to her room, where he found her sleeping soundly.

He shook his head, placed the ice bucket on the dresser, tied a knot in the top of the ice filled plastic bag and walked over to her bed. Taking his shoes off, he sat down, swung his legs next to hers, placed the ice pack on her back and leaned back on the extra pillow. He noted the time and set the alarm on his cell phone to wake him up in twenty minutes. He was asleep shortly after his head hit the pillow.

Twenty minutes later, he awoke to the sound of the alarm buzzing in his pocket, picked up the somewhat melted bag of ice and emptied it into the bathroom sink. Again, he set the timer for twenty minutes before falling asleep. Twenty minutes later, he awoke, filled the bag with ice again, placed it on her back and again fell asleep next to his new bride, completely forgetting to reset the alarm.

* * *

"House," she shook his shoulder, "House wake up, your speech starts in an hour."

"Hmph?"

"Get up, get back to your own room and get ready."

House turned over to face her and found a perfectly put together Cuddy standing over him, "You're ready?"

"Yes, and you should be." She eyed him, both aware of his presence in her bed.

"I'll just get ready here, my suit's in the closet."

"Hurry up."

* * *

Twenty minutes later, House emerged from the bathroom looking just as scruffy as always, though wearing the smart suit and smelling oddly like lavender.

"House! You used my shampoo?"

"Is that a problem?"

She laughed, "You smell like flowers, not your typical scent."

"How would you know about my scent?"

"You normally smell like ruben sandwiches."

This time it was House who laughed, "The hotel shampoo was on the sink. Wet floor, and my leg don't exactly mix, so I used yours," he said, all the while thinking that Wilson would really begin to wonder if he smelled like Cuddy, "Hey, if we hurry, we can get our breakfast for free. It's the newlywed special."

Cuddy rolled her eyes as House grabbed the unofficial proof of marriage from the dresser and the throw away camera from the night prior, tucking both inside his coat pocket.

"How's your back?" he asked nonchalantly, noting she was once again wearing her ring.

"Better, I think you can sleep in your own bed tonight," she said, giving him a warning look.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"We're here for the newlywed breakfast," House said boastfully.

"Right this way. Congratulations!" The hostess showed them to a table, "Breakfast is served at the buffet and it includes mimosas, coffee, milk and juice. Just tell your sever what you'd like to drink."

Cuddy looked at House as the hostess walked away, "Do you have to announce it everywhere we go?"

"Would you rather the hospital pay for two meals it doesn't have to?"

"No mimosas, you have a speech to give. What do you want to drink?"

"Coffee, be right back."

* * *

A short while later, the pair finished breakfast and headed towards the conference room, "I'll be there in just a minute. Need to stop in the gift shop."

Cuddy shook her head, "Hurry up."

At the gift shop, House handed the disposable camera to the clerk, "You offer same day processing, right?"

"Yes sir."

"I'd like doubles, and charge it to room 310."

"Would you like to pick it up here, or have it delivered to your room?"

"To the room."

* * *

House joined Cuddy at the entrance to the auditorium and the pair walked down towards the front. They joined Wilson and he eyed them, wondering what was up.

"Where have you two been?"

"Breakfast." House said succinctly.

Wilson sat in the second seat, leaving the isle open for House. Cuddy crawled in past him, sitting towards the middle. As she sat, she couldn't avoid a grimace and a tiny, unexpected grunt.

House sat on the isle, and leaned over past Wilson, "I thought you said it was better?"

"I thought it was." House pursed his lips and shook his head.

Wilson looked between the two, "What's going on?"

"I hurt my back. It's a long story, I'll tell you later."

Turning his attention to House, Wilson whispered, "Was I dreaming last night or did you say you got married?"

"Whoa, and how much did you have to drink before you quit gambling?"

Wilson rolled his eyes and before he could answer, the convention's host approached the stage and began rambling on about the weekend's activities. Groups were assigned, various hospital organizations and representatives were introduced as members of the audience reluctantly stood and waved and eventually the host got around to introducing House.

"Our keynote speaker is none other than Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital's world renowned diagnostician, Dr. Gregory House."

The audience applauded and House stepped up to the podium. He began his speech in front of the rather large gathering of medical professionals and much to Cuddy's surprise, he was neither sarcastic, nor mundane. House spoke eloquently and had the audience entranced with his words only moments after he began. He was clearly on his best behavior.

Cuddy turned to look at Wilson, a look of pleasant surprise on her face and he slipped her a note, which read, "He always could give a proper speech, as long as he's the one controlling the content." She nodded in agreement, remembering the lecture he presented a while back when he discussed his own infarction.

"The technology is simplistic," she heard him say a little more than an hour into his speech, "Radio waves are harmless to the human body, but they heat metal. It's still in the research phase as my colleague Dr. Wilson will attest to, but once microscopic metal particles are injected into the cancerous tumor and the subject is placed in the direct path of the radio waves, the metal particles heat up and essentially blast the tumor apart. Early test results on rodents have proven effective, showing promise. The possibilities are endless, potentially providing a non invasive cure for nearly all types of cancer."

Cuddy looked at Wilson, "Is this true? How does he come up with this stuff?"

"It is true, it's still in the experimental phase. I had no idea House knew anything about it. I thought he was giving a speech on diagnostics, not on budding cancer research."

Cuddy shook her head, whispering, "That man never ceases to amaze me."

They again listened in on his speech, "Which leads me to believe that radio waves might also prove to be the answer for countless other cures and it's also proof that cures aren't necessarily reliant upon complicated processes. Sometimes, simplicity outweighs traditional logic." Cuddy nodded, seeing that House was speaking globally, not solely about cancer. He continued on this idea of global awareness in medicine for an additional hour, citing multiple references and clinical cases.

House concluded his speech with, "Diagnostics is about thinking outside the box," and the audience erupted into applause.

The host approached House at the podium when a woman towards the front stood up and rushed towards her, frantically whispering a message. The host looked down into the audience where a man excitedly spoke through his hands, signing because of his deafness. The woman interpreted his words to the host.

Cuddy turned her attention towards House, still standing behind the podium, and noted he had visually paled. Cuddy looked back and forth between House and the man who was signing feverishly, wondering if House could actually understand what the man was saying. It certainly appeared that way.

"Oh my, well yes!" The host exclaimed.

House shook his head and covered the microphone, clearly trying to dissuade the host from telling the rest of the audience what the man was saying. House looked over at Cuddy in the briefest of moments and she caught his eye, and it was then that she knew exactly what was about to happen.

"Dr. Finklestein, head of his own Deaf and Hard of Hearing practice in Los Angeles, has just informed me that earlier this morning, he learned that Drs. House and Cuddy of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital were married late last evening! Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. House! Apparently it pays to lip read in a restaurant!"

The audience cheered and applauded the newlywed couple as Cuddy slouched as far as possible into her chair, trying to avoid the wide eyed, shocked, and somewhat hurt expression stemming from Wilson.

"So is it Dr. Cuddy or will you go by Dr. House? Please come on up to the stage!" Cuddy promptly turned ten shades of red darker than her usual complexion and looked to Wilson for some support.

He stood, held up her left hand, finally noting the etched band around her ring finger, shook his head and practically dragged her to the stage, "Oh you're not getting out of this one. You can tell your husband up there that he may have won the bet, but I'm disappointed he couldn't ask me to be his best man."

She gave him a look of regret as House approached the stairway, extending his hand towards her, unable to get out of this public humiliation, "Just put on a good show, _sweetheart_," he said as he pulled her reluctantly towards the podium.

The audience died down and the man who spilled the beans remained standing. He clasped his hands over his right shoulder, motioning as if he had won a competition of some sort, and in return House placed the tips of his fingers to his mouth, palm side facing towards him, and then extended his arm downward towards the man.

"What did he say?" Cuddy asked.

"Congratulations."

"And what did you say?"

"Thank you."

She looked at him in admiration coupled with unbelievable frustration, and the pair played the part thanking the audience and acting as though they were happily married. Lunch hour was called, and they retreated as quickly as possible, amidst slaps on the back and verbal congratulations as they exited the auditorium.

* * *

With a sigh of relief, House closed the hotel room door behind him and found Wilson waiting expectantly in the corner chair. Cuddy sat on the bed silently and House turned to face the wrath of his best friend.

Before either of the men could say anything, Cuddy spoke up, "Which is your bed House?"

He furrowed his brow, "Why?"

"I don't want to mess up Wilson's and I'd like to lie down."

Wilson pointed towards the bed nearest the wall asking, "Your back is bothering you that much?" Cuddy didn't answer, but sighed and purposely pulled the bedding apart on House's bed and made herself comfortable.

"Go ahead, mess it up. I'll just sleep in your bed again tonight."

"Oh-ho! You slept together last night?"

Cuddy rolled her eyes, "He examined my back, iced it and then the creep fell asleep next to me. Nothing happened."

"You do know what everyone down there is going to think, don't you?" Wilson asked. Cuddy shook her head as House stared at the ceiling, realizing what Wilson was getting at.

"No, what?" she asked.

"You two got married last night, and this morning your back's killing you."

Cuddy closed her eyes and started to chuckle, "Oh god. I can't go back down there. Tell them I have food poisoning or something."

Wilson said, stifling a laugh, "Please just tell me this was all just for the stupid bet."

House nodded, "We should go get lunch."

Wilson shook his head, "And all you can think about is food. I already ordered up room service, it should be here soon." Wilson turned his attention to Cuddy, "Are you sure you're okay? Maybe we should take you in for x-rays."

"I'm fine, I just bruised my back yesterday."

"How?"

"My brilliant _husband_ here scared me to death when I got out of the shower. I stumbled backwards and landed on my tush."

"Spousal abuse already House?" House shook his head.

Cuddy looked at House asking, "Where did you learn sign language?"

"I don't know, read about it somewhere." House brushed off the comment and looked towards Wilson, "Hey, you owe me two hundred bucks."

"And how much did you spend for this wedding?" Wilson asked, still not quite believing they had actually gotten married.

"Nearly three hundred."

"So, where's the proof?"

"The pictures are being developed right now and here's the unofficial marriage certificate. The official one will come by mail in two weeks."

"I can't believe you two did this," Wilson started laughing, "And what did you get out of it Cuddy? How on earth did he talk you into this?"

"Alcohol, and a semester length commitment to a class on diagnostics if I wear my ring until we have this thing annulled and two months of clinic duty if he takes his ring off."

Wilson couldn't contain his laughter, "You know what? You two are perfect for each other. Mazel tov."

* * *

A/N: The radio waves curing cancer bit…real. Heard about it online a while ago, not sure if I got all the specifics right but I think what I wrote is accurate.


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

I said this was a crackfic, and I meant it; let the crack begin! (as if House/Cuddy getting married in Vegas wasn't crack enough). And as per all my stories, had to throw a little angst in this one too…

Chapter 6

They sat around the hotel room finishing off the last of the meals delivered by room service when Cuddy asked, "So, you're not angry?"

Wilson smiled, "Why would I be angry? Oh no, do you have any idea how much fun I intend to have with this information? Blackmail is a wonderful thing."

"You can't tell anyone," she said with fear creeping into her voice, "It could mean my job."

"And what makes you think that someone from PPTH won't find out now that several hundred doctors in that auditorium know about your little secret?"

"Wilson."

He placed both hands up in a defensive stop motion, "Hey I'm just saying, don't be surprised if everyone knows by the time we get back."

House looked over at Cuddy, "You gonna finish that?"

"Not hungry," she said, passing her uneaten salad to him. She arched her back moments later, still feeling uncomfortable.

"You should go have that x-rayed," Wilson said, "We could skip the afternoon and take you in."

"No, I'm fine, really. I've just been so tense trying to sit so my back wouldn't bother me, that now my shoulder's a bit sore. I'm okay."

House eyed her, but before he could say anything, there was a knock at the door. Wilson answered, thanked the delivery person and gave him a small tip. Without turning around, he quickly rifled through the two dozen pictures taken at the wedding the night prior, and was shocked at the passionate kiss the two had shared; he couldn't keep from laughing at the deer in the headlights look both House and Cuddy sported in several of the other photos.

"What?" House asked, walking towards Wilson, "Hey, mitts off."

Wilson tucked a photo of the kiss, and one with the judge into his breast pocket before turning around to face House, "Are you sure this wedding was just for the bet?" he asked, holding up an incriminating photo of the kiss.

"Give me those," House said, grabbing at the pictures.

"I know a real kiss when I see one."

"I figured I should take advantage of the situation," House said defensively. He didn't see Cuddy's smile fade at his comment, but Wilson did.

"We better go," Wilson marched towards the door.

"I'll meet you outside in a minute," House motioned for Wilson to go on ahead and then turned his attention towards Cuddy.

"Did you mean that?" She asked, once Wilson was gone.

"Mean what?"

"That you only took advantage of the situation?" She paused, "I thought…"

"You thought what?"

"I thought there was more to that kiss."

She leaned back against the headboard on the bed, and placed her feet up. House walked over towards the bed and sat on the edge, next to her.

Avoiding her question, he focused on her back pain, "If you're really hurting that much, you need to tell me."

She sighed, frustrated with the change in subject, "I'm fine, House. I'm a doctor too."

"Doctors make the worst patients."

"Only when they're misanthropic cripples," she said rather harshly.

"And they make for the crankiest of patients."

"You better go; you're already late for the conference. I'm staying here."

House stood from the bed, "Don't ignore your symptoms."

"Is this you caring?"

"No, just trying to protect my reputation. How would it look if my wife broke her back and I ignored it?"

"Stop calling me your wife."

"You called me your husband."

"Did not."

House smiled, leaned in close to her and stared her in the eye briefy. He could hear her breathing and she was somewhat nervous about his intentions. Not quite oblivious to what he was doing, and yet not really expecting it either, she couldn't help but inhale slightly as he gently leaned down and placed his lips on her forehead. They both knew his guise of checking her temperature was a farse.

Smirking, he leaned back "Yes you did. In fact, you called me your _brilliant_ husband when you explained the fall to Wilson."

Cuddy blushed, "I was being sarcastic."

House set the pictures on the night stand and opened the door, "There was nothing sarcastic about that kiss."

* * *

House and Wilson approached the conference room, and found themselves being ushered away by hotel security and staff.

"What's going on?" Wilson asked a fellow conference goer.

"A fire broke out inside the auditorium, about half of…"

Before the doctor could finish explaining that half the conference goers were already inside the auditorium, a member of security called out, "Please make your way to the nearest exit as soon as possible, this is an evacuation."

Wilson turned to look at House, "Cuddy."

House nodded and the two headed towards the elevator bay, only to be stopped by another staff member, "Sorry, the elevators are closed. Please evacuate immediately."

Wilson interjected, "But our boss, she's upsta…"

"All the rooms are being evacuated by hotel staff; please make your way to the nearest exit as quickly and calmly as possible."

House's temper flared, "Wilson," he pulled his sleeve and led him towards the stairwell, where again they were stopped by a member of security.

"Sorry, the stairwell is strictly for those who are exiting the upper floors, please head to the exit."

House's anger bubbled up, and hoping his ploy would work he said, "But my WIFE is upstairs."

"Sir, please there will be a meeting area in front of the hotel where you will find your wife. No one is allowed upstairs."

It was Wilson this time who pulled House's sleeve. He noted the slight panic in House's voice, though he was unsure if it was an act to try and convince the security guard, or if it was in genuine concern for Cuddy. Regardless, Wilson decided to use a reassuring tone with him, "Come on, knowing Cuddy, she's probably outside triaging the burn victims."

* * *

She heard the knocking on the door; actually, she heard the pounding on the door and got up, swearing she would murder them if they'd forgotten the room key. Her back and now her shoulder ached and the last thing she wanted to do was get up.

She whipped open the door, prepared to spew angry words when she looked on at an unfamiliar face, "Sorry, but the whole hotel is being evacuated. There's a fire downstairs. It's contained to one room but we are requiring an evacuation to ensure everyone's safety."

"Oh, okay." She was stunned, certainly not at all what she was expecting.

Cuddy turned to grab a few things when the attendant called out, "No time to grab personal belongings, please make your way to the stairwell."

"I need shoes," she said, pointing towards her feet.

"Right, quickly please."

Cuddy walked over to the bed, put her shoes on and grabbed the stack of photos sitting on the nightstand. She then walked with the rest of the hotel guests on her floor towards the stairwell.

* * *

"She's not here," House practically shouted over the din.

Wilson looked at the various faces in the crowd on the hotel's front parking lot, "She'll be here," he said, trying to calm both himself and House.

Wilson hated to mention it, but it was something they hadn't done yet, "Maybe would should check the triage area,"

"She wasn't in the auditorium; she's not burned Wilson."

"No, but her back was bothering her and if they assisted her out, they may have taken her to the triage area."

House shook his head, "You check the triage area, I'll stay here to watch for her. Keep your cell phone turned on."

* * *

A half an hour passed with no word from Cuddy; he hadn't heard from Wilson either. House made his way to the triage area and found Wilson bandaging someone's arm.

"I thought you were looking for Cuddy?"

"I am, but as long as I'm here, I may as well make myself useful."

"Thanks to the convention, there're more doctors here than there are patients." House said annoyed.

"It doesn't hurt to help, House."

"It doesn't hurt to look for Cuddy either."

"I thought we had both bases covered with me here and you waiting near the front. I take it you haven't found her yet."

"Brilliant deduction there, Sherlock."

"House, I know you're worried, but she's probably just fi…"

"I'm not worried."

Wilson sighed, "Right, no reason to be remotely concerned for your boss who might be trapped in a burning building, much less for your wife. Never mind she can barely stand because of her back."

"The fire's out; security's already gearing up to let us back into the hotel. She's not trapped in a burning building, she's just somewhere in that crowd out there."

"Probably looking for us, worried sick. We were supposed to be in that auditorium you know; imagine what she must be thinking."

House half heartedly smirked, "Yeah, how she'll spend my life insurance policy."

A/N: As far as hotel fires go…I've been in one. Well, not actually IN the fire. We were on vacation in London and my mom, grandma and I were in one tower and my sis and her bf were in another. My sister's tower was evacuated due to a fire in one of the kitchens, our tower was not. Everything was fine; the fire was contained to the kitchen but wow, it was an ordeal at 2am!

My poor mom's been in three hotel fires (maybe I should rethink staying in a hotel with her!). One of them was in Carson City, NV and a hotel guest fell asleep smoking, which caught the bedding on fire. The hotel was evacuated with the fire contained to the one floor, but still. Scary stuff.


	7. Chapter 7

Yes, that was a MASH reference in the first chapter and you're right, September's Nobara, I should have capitalized it, thanks…it's fixed.

Thanks to everyone for all the very nice reviews! Wow, had no idea this crackfic would get such a response!

**Chapter 7**

"Dr. Cudd….Mrs. House?" A voice rang out in the crowd.

Cuddy turned towards the voice, feeling awkward at being called Mrs. House, "Dr. Chang, I'm so glad to see you're okay. Have you by any chance seen my…"

"Your husband?"

She had planned on saying 'colleagues' but, "Yes, Drs. House and Wilson?" Cuddy could only imagine what might have happened to them and tentatively waited for word; she tried not to allow her mind to wander, instead focusing on the task at hand.

Mrs. Chang shook her head, "Have you checked the medical area yet? They've set up triage somewhere towards the north end of the parking lot. I hope you find your husband and Dr. Wilson."

"Thank you, I'm heading there now. Take care."

Cuddy made her way through the hundreds of misplaced hotel guests and as she rounded the slight curve of the parking lot, she saw Wilson attending to a burn victim and she relaxed just a bit as she approached him.

"Wilson?"

He looked up and smiled genuinely, "Oh thank god, you okay?"

She nodded, "You?"

"Fine."

"Where's House?"

Wilson turned around and pointed towards House, who sat on a curb, cane across his lap, elbows on knees and head in his hands.

"Is he okay?"

Wilson looked at Cuddy, "He'd never admit it, but he's worried about you; otherwise, he's just fine."

Cuddy released the breath she didn't realize she was holding and approached her pseudo husband, "House?"

He looked up at her, and though he quickly checked his reaction to carefully hide any relief he may have felt, his slight sigh of relief did not go unnoticed by Cuddy, "Disappointed you can't cash in on my life insurance policy just yet?" he asked as he stood up.

She half smiled at his snark, reached her arms around his rib cage, clasping her hands behind him and resting her head on his shoulder she said, "Shut up and give me a hug."

"I don't hug," he said as he wrapped his arms around her.

* * *

Wilson finished giving instructions to the burn victim and then turned around to join Cuddy and House. He saw them embrace from a distance and smiling, he decided to leave them be.

* * *

"The remainder of the conference was canceled," Wilson sighed as he hung up the room phone, "And the hotel will cover all of our hotel expenses, including meals for the inconvenience. Apparently the microphone had faulty wiring."

"A whole day to play in Vegas! There's a Hooter's Hotel a few blocks up," House smiled furtively.

Wilson motioned towards Cuddy with his thumb, "You're married, remember?" House rolled his eyes.

Cuddy hung up her cell phone, "I got our flights bumped up to the first flight out tomorrow."

"But mooom, we wanna stay and play."

Wilson chuckled at House's whining, "What time does it leave?"

"Nine o'clock, which means we have to be at the airport no later than seven," she said, propping her feet up on his bed again.

House plunked a red lollipop into his mouth and garbled, "We're not taking an international flight."

"I don't care. Seven o'clock, no later. Give me one of your vicodin and then the two of you can go gamble while I relax in peace. This trip has been a nightmare."

Wilson chuckled a bit, "I still can't believe that all you grabbed on your way out of a burning building were your mock wedding photos."

Cuddy smiled sheepishly, "They wouldn't let me take anything and the pictures were right there, so I grabbed them. House, seriously, give me a vicodin."

"It's almost dinner time, you should eat," Wilson said snatching House's vicodin bottle from his hand and giving it to Cuddy.

"Hey, I've only got a few left. Cripple here."

Wilson shook his head, "You've got a second bottle in your bag; you always travel with triple the required dosage."

Cuddy took a pill and made a show of dry swallowing it, hoping to annoy House, "So how many people were injured?" He smirked.

Wilson took a seat at the small desk, "About fifteen. All of them with minor burns, nothing serious."

"I don't think we'll make this conference next year," Cuddy yawned.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Wilson asked as he and House headed towards the door.

"Fine. Go gamble and let me sleep."

* * *

Several hours later, House and Wilson returned to their hotel room and found Cuddy still asleep in House's bed.

"Hey, I could sleep in her room tonight if you want to sleep in here; that way we don't have to wake her." Wilson said, placing the vegetable soup they bought for Cuddy on the dresser. House nodded in agreement and they spent the next several minutes swapping suitcases and odds and ends.

"Are you sure you're okay with her tonight?"

"I am a doctor you know, and this happens to be our honeymoon."

Wilson laughed, "Yeah, your bride's hopped up on vicodin, the hotel nearly burnt down, and the both of you are itching for an annulment; bet that wasn't included in the brochure."

* * *

House quietly got settled in for the evening. He kept his boxers and tee shirt on and set his nearly empty vicodin bottle near her bedside before fishing out his spare bottle from the suitcase to keep at his bedside.

"Some honeymoon, huh?" An unexpected, quiet voice said.

House walked over to her bed and perched on the edge, reaching for her wrist to check her pulse.

"I'm just fine."

"Shhh."

She waited for him to run a few quick, basic tests, including rather roughly placing his palm on her forehead, "What, lips aren't as sensitive enough tonight?"

He gave her a cursory smirk, "There's soup on the dresser."

Her turn to smirk, "Did you spill it?"

"Funny."

"So, will I live?" She asked, once he was finished checking her vitals.

"Hard to say, with the way things are going this weekend."

Cuddy half snorted, "I'm not coming back to Vegas for a very long time, if ever."

"It's not Vegas' fault you fell on your ass."

"No, that would be yours."

House frowned guiltily, leaned down and pressed his lips to her forehead, "Night Mrs. House."

She smiled as he crawled into the other bed and shut the light, "Night Mr. House."

* * *

"Remind me why we're sitting in coach like sardines, instead of in first class?" House complained.

"First was full. We're lucky we got three seats together; stop complaining, at least you're not sitting in the middle for five hours." She retorted.

They sat towards the rear of the plane on the left side; Wilson at the window and House on the isle, sandwiching a rather squished Cuddy between them. The plane was next in line for take off and both Cuddy and Wilson wondered if they'd have to listen to House complain the entire flight home.

The plane's engines roared and soon they felt the seats' pull them in and the plane ran down the runway. The plane took flight and everyone felt the slight dip as they climbed in altitude. Cuddy emitted a small grunt and squeezed House's hand; her eyes shut tight. Wilson looked to House questioningly and House shrugged.

"Cuddy?" Wilson asked tentatively.

"Hmm?"

"You okay?"

"A little motion sickness, it'll pass."

House held up the barf bag, "If you're going to spew, aim towards Wilson."

* * *

A little over an hour into the flight, the beverage cart wheeled by, "What can I get you to drink?" the flight attendant asked the trio.

"Lemonade," Wilson answered.

"Coffee, two sugars and she'll have a ginger ale," House said, not waking Cuddy, who was asleep on his shoulder.

Not long afterwards, the food cart came along, "We have scrambled eggs and bacon or a bagel and cream cheese, what would you like?"

Wilson ordered the eggs, as did House and again House ordered for Cuddy, choosing the bagel. He then nudged her awake, "Hey, you should eat."

"Not hungry, my stomach's funny."

"You didn't eat last night."

"I was a little stressed; I'll eat when I get home."

Wilson shook his head and took the fruit cup off of Cuddy's plate. House took the bagel.

* * *

"Don't be late tomorrow," Cuddy said as the trio stood in line for a cab.

"Slave driver."

"Seriously, House."

Wilson stood facing the two, unable to keep from smiling.

"What are you smiling about?" House asked.

"Just wondering which member of the staff will ask you if you really got married first. I'm betting on Cameron."

Cuddy rolled her eyes, "Oh god."

House now sported a broad grin too, "Don't forget our little arrangement Mrs. House, take that ring off and no clinic duty for me, and no diagnostics lecture for you."

"I'm definitely never going to Vegas again."


	8. Chapter 8

Given I promised no spoilers, I will stand by that, hence the ducklings.

**Chapter 8**

"You're here early."

"Wouldn't want to miss the show today."

"Hate to break it to you, but I haven't heard anything yet; not even from Cameron."

"Wilson, it's early; I've got all day."

Wilson paused, tapping the conference room table, "Cuddy's not in yet."

House raised an eyebrow at the news, "She doesn't want to face the marriage music. She'll be here."

Wilson shook his head, "She's never late, House."

Cameron, Foreman and Chase walked into the conference room before House could say anything more about Cuddy and much to his disappointment, they acted as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

House made a show of waving his left hand around, hoping one of them would note the ring on his finger, "I'm baaack," he announced, giving an odd sort of wave, followed by a comical little bow, "So team, anything interesting you'd care to chat about?"

"Uh, no?" Chase furrowed his brow and wondered if House had double dipped in the vicodin bottle.

"How was Vegas?" Cameron asked.

"Other than the hotel fire, just great."

"What?" Chase stopped pouring his coffee as he looked up in shock.

"No big deal. Mr. Oncologist here became a one man burn unit while the rest of us poor saps waited out the inconvenience."

Foreman shook his head, "Anything else happen in Vegas that you'd care to share?"

House looked at them, surprised most of all by Cameron's lack of congratulations and exclamations of disbelief. He opted to focus the conversation elsewhere, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Clinic patient?"

"Not yet."

"Well then, off to the clinic with you!"

The trio headed out the door and House turned to Wilson, "Nothing! Did you see that? Absolutely nothing. They have no clue we're married. Cameron wouldn't be able to keep her mouth shut if she knew." Wilson just shook his head, all the while planning exactly how to put those two stolen wedding pictures to good use.

* * *

"Clinic duty. I hate clinic duty," Foreman mumbled, grabbing a patient file.

"We all do," Chase snatched the file from Foreman and gave him a comical little smirk. Foreman rolled his eyes.

Cameron tied her hair back, "What was up with House this morning?"

"I don't know, he almost seemed giddy," Foreman said, grabbing another patient file.

Chase reached for a couple of pens on the front desk, "Something's up, but…."

"Dr. Cuddy?" Cameron asked, rushing over to a doubled over Cuddy who barely made it in through the front doors. Chase and Foreman followed closely behind.

"Did you drive here like this?" Chase asked.

She shook her head, "Cab. Get House. Now."

* * *

He sighed, considering letting the phone ring. He answered it anyway, imagining Cuddy marching upstairs to yell at him if he didn't answer when she called, "Yeah?"

"We need you in the clinic, now."

"Not now Foreman."

"It's Cuddy."

* * *

"Hey, where are you off to?" Wilson called out, jogging to catch up to House.

"I don't know, something about Cuddy and the clinic. She's not here even five minutes before she starts ranting about her precious clinic."

"Do you think she told them about the two of you? You know, break the news herself before you had the chance?"

"She wouldn't."

Wilson chuckled, "Oh yes she would."

"Don't you have cancer kids to cure?"

"I wouldn't miss this for the world."

* * *

"Where is she?" House stormed into the clinic, ready to announce their marriage if it meant beating Cuddy to the punch.

"House!" Cameron called out from across the clinic.

"Where's Cuddy?"

"House, we've called her sister, she's listed as the medical proxy but we can't reach her. Cuddy's hypotensive and…"

He didn't hear the rest of it, "Where?"

"Exam room one."

House and Wilson walked into the room and found Cuddy curled up on the exam table, in obvious pain.

"Dammit Cuddy," House said as he approached her.

"House, she…" Foreman began.

"Out. Everybody out." House demanded. The fellows looked at one another and chose not to argue, instead exiting silently.

Wilson looked at House, "Do you want me to stay?"

"No, but don't go far; tell my team to stay nearby." Wilson nodded.

House set his jaw and looked down at Cuddy, "Talk to me. How long?"

"Since about midnight."

He sighed and shook his head, "You're going to have to lay flat. I can't do an exam with you bunched up in a ball like that."

House walked over to the nearby cabinet and pulled out a patient gown and a sedative, "Come on, off with the clothes."

Cuddy looked up at him, "I can't."

"I'm not trying to cop a feel," he frowned, "I'll get Cameron."

"No. Don't go. I just can't move. It hurts."

"How bad?"

"Eight; nine if I take a deep breath."

"Can you sit up?"

Cuddy rolled onto her side and House helped her to up. Without asking, he helped her out of her clothing, carefully removing her tee shirt, shoes and sweat pants. He stood behind her as much as possible, attempting to be discreet by not blatantly staring.

"You know, if you wanted to strip for me, all you had to do was ask. I would have been more than happy to watch; we could have skipped this whole medical emergency nonsense," he smirked. She smiled.

Once the hospital gown was on, he helped her lie back down and he began palpating her abdomen, noting she was more painful on her upper left side. House then tied the gown shut and walked to the door.

"You can come back in."

He checked her vitals as his team and Wilson filed back into the room, "Get an OR ready, her spleen's ruptured."

Cuddy looked up at House, "Are you sure? I had back pain."

"And let me guess, it was your left shoulder that was bothering you yesterday and the day before?" She nodded and he continued, "Your back pain was back pain, but your shoulder pain…" he paused for dramatic affect, "Kehr's sign."

She thought for a moment and nodded, "My shoulder hurt when I was lying down, but I fell on my backside, I didn't have a blow to the stomach." Cuddy doubled over in pain, unable to keep from grunting.

"Shhh," House injected her with the sedative, "Leave it to you to rupture your spleen by falling on your ass. You're one of a kind, Cuddy."

Her eyes grew heavy, "I hate Vegas," she said sleepily. Soon, she relaxed into the embrace of sedation as House gently stroked the wisps of hair away from her forehead.

House turned his attention to his team, "Get an OR ready and get Jackson in, tell him I want her spleen repaired. The rupture can't be too large if it's taken this long to fully present. Emphasize repair is the primary objective, with a full splenectomy only if absolutely necessary and tell him I'll be assisting."

"House, we don't have consent," Cameron took a step closer, "We've tried calling her sister, but…"

"Do you plan to just sit here and wait for her to bleed out internally?" House angrily marched towards the door, "Fine, I'll call Jackson, just get someone to prep the damned OR."

Foreman stood between House and the exam room door, "She needs a full splenectomy; a repair is unorthodox in this case."

House pursed his lips, not noticing Wilson who had moved from the corner to his side, "She works in a hospital, Foreman. No spleen means no adequate protection against diseases she comes into contact with daily. A repair will save her a lifetime of preventative antibiotics and will greatly reduce her chances of death by infectious disease."

Foreman held his ground, "You can't do this, House. Her sister is her medical proxy."

He held up his left hand, fingers spread out, palm facing his chest, "Oh yes I can."

Foreman tilted his head, almost mocking him, "Right, and now I'm supposed to believe that you're married to Cuddy because you're wearing a ring? You can't just make up the rules as you go along House."

"She's my wife," he spat.

"You're unbelievable. I can't belie…"

Wilson quietly interjected, "Foreman. They got married in Vegas." This moment wasn't quite as rewarding as Wilson had envisioned it, but there he stood holding up the photo of House, Cuddy and the judge moments after getting married. They stood facing each other, hands entwined, she with her bridal veil and he with a huge smirk on his face.

Cameron stood near Cuddy, "Foreman," she called, holding up Cuddy's left hand, the new ring clearly evident.

Chase stood in the middle of the room, "Oh. My. God."

"I'll call Jackson," Foreman said, turning towards the clinic's front desk.

* * *

A/N: Well, this is winding down…about 2 chapters left, I think. Thanks for reading and reviewing!


	9. Chapter 9

I've decided that Chapter 10 (last chapter) will be a two for one deal; two different endings…a seriously crackfic ending, and an alternate ending which isn't so crackish.

Thanks for reading and reviewing…I've really enjoyed writing this fic!

**Chapter 9**

Chase, Foreman and Cameron looked down at the ongoing operation from the observation room. Dr. Jackson was skillfully repairing Cuddy's spleen as House stood nearby, watching absolutely every move, and occasionally making comments or suggestions. Wilson stood just outside the swinging doors, near the wash basins, acting as messenger for House's team. House broke away momentarily and made his way towards Wilson, who held the door open for his gimpy friend. Once House had relayed his message, Wilson made his trek up to the fellows in the observation lounge.

* * *

"I can't imagine what he's going through right now," Cameron said, sandwiched between Foreman and Chase at the observation window.

Foreman looked at her, "You don't honestly think they got married out of love?"

"She married him, didn't she? They both looked perfectly willing in that photo."

"He probably got her drunk, or drugged," Chase said with a smile.

"Did you see how gentle he was with her in the clinic? Or the concern on his face when he first walk in? He pushed us out of there pretty fast and you heard her when she got here. She only wanted House."

"I still don't buy it." Foreman pointed at the glass, "Look, he's sending a message to Wilson."

"We should just ask Wilson; he was there in Vegas." Cameron whispered.

"I wonder if they, you know," Chase said with a smirk, while looking at Cameron.

Foreman laughed out loud, "She did have back pain." Chase chuckled.

"I can't believe you two. Cuddy's down there on an operating table, bleeding into her abdomen as her husband stands watch and all you two can think about it is whether or not they did it." Both boys looked a bit sheepish at her words, "She could have died. Imagine what House is going through right now."

Wilson cleared his throat at the entrance to the observation room.

"Dr. Wilson, hi." Cameron said, as they turned to look at him.

"House wants you to make sure she's got a private room, one with a cot in it. He said no exceptions; the dean of medicine, under no circumstances, is to share a room while she recovers. Those were his exact words. Dr. Jackson's about to close now, it went well."

Chase nodded solemnly, "So, it's true?"

"Yes, it was her spleen, but Dr. Jackson was able to repair it. Thankfully there was no need to remove it completely. House made the right call which saved her a lifetime of complications." Wilson said as he watched Foreman stare at his shoes.

"No, I mean, they're married? Really married?" Chase said quietly. Wilson nodded.

"What happened?" Cameron asked.

"Why don't you make her room arrangements and then meet me in the cafeteria and we can talk?" The trio agreed.

* * *

"They eloped and didn't tell you about it? And just to win a bet?" Chase took a bite of his sandwich.

"I had no idea. House mumbled something about getting married but I was half asleep when he said it and then he was gone."

"So they did spend the night together?" Foreman said with a grin. Cameron sent him a scowl.

Wilson shook his head, feeling loyalty creep up on him, "He was icing her back every twenty minutes and fell asleep."

Cameron looked at Wilson with a glazed look, "He was taking care of her," she said with a dreamy smile.

Chase rolled his eyes, "Cameron, House is far from a knight in shining armor."

Wilson felt the need to defend House, though he wasn't sure why, "You should have seen him after the fire. We couldn't find Cuddy anywhere and…" he sighed, "He didn't say anything but he was worried."

"Where was she?"

"Mixed in with all the other hotel guests. By the time she got out to the parking lot, House and I had moved to the medical tent." Wilson decided to keep the private hug a secret; the fellows had no need for that information, "She was equally as relieved to find him as he was her."

"So, you think this marriage is real?" Cameron asked.

Wilson puffed out his cheeks and held the air in his mouth a moment, thinking. Releasing the air he said, "I think initially…well I don't know. I don't know why they decided to get married, but I do think they're closer than they've let on. They've known each other for a very long time."

"But marriage?" Foreman asked.

Wilson shrugged, "I don't pretend to understand it. If they want to be married, or if they don't, I'll stand by their decision."

* * *

Wilson quietly entered Cuddy's private room later in the day, "How is she?"

House opened his eyes and looked up at Wilson, "Blood pressure is back to normal. Tachycardia's gone. It was a small bleed; she got lucky."

"All this from the fall?"

"Hard to say but yes, it started with the fall; when the plane took off yesterday, I think it may have made the tear worse."

"She must have been in a lot of pain." House nodded.

"So have you thought about what to do once she's out of here?"

House frowned, "No."

"I can stay at her place until she's ambulatory."

"No, I'll stay."

"The whole hospital knows."

"I know."

"Have you contacted a lawyer yet?"

House shook his head, "We won't have the final decree for two weeks; can't do much until we get it."

"Do you want an annulment?"

House stared at his hands and shrugged.

"What does she want?"

"I don't know." House leaned back on the second hospital bed, the one he was certain Cameron insisted upon instead of the simple cot, and watched Cuddy from the corner of his eye. Wilson took his seat in the corner chair, waiting. Still feeling the weight of the jet lag, the crazy weekend and the stress from the long day, both were asleep within minutes.

* * *

A very groggy croak sounded from the hospital bed, "House?" She hadn't opened her eyes just yet, still swimming in a foggy haze. She called him a little louder, "House?"

Wilson woke with a start and went to her bedside, "Hey, how do you feel?"

"Like I took a ride on the roulette wheel. Where's House?"

"He's sleeping on the other bed. Can you open your eyes?"

Cuddy peeled one eye open, then the other and spent a few moments focusing her eyes on Wilson, "Have you ever considered having your eyebrows waxed?"

Wilson laughed out loud, "You've turned into House, hopped up on painkillers."

"Mmmm, feels so much better than the fire in my gut. What time is it?"

"Just after seven."

"You should go home and get some sleep. House too. I'm just going to fall back asleep here anyway. I'm thirsty."

Wilson spooned a few ice chips into her mouth, "I will, but your husband over there hasn't left your side since you got here and I don't think he's going anywhere."

"So, everyone knows then?" She watched as Wilson nodded, "How did the surgery go? Did they take the whole spleen?"

"No. House fought them tooth and nail to do a repair instead of a removal. He was right."

"He's right a lot; it's why I hired him."

Wilson smiled, "That's not how he tells it."

Cuddy furrowed her brown a bit, "What did he say?"

"Something about how he gave you everything you asked for one night and in return, you hired him," Wilson watched Cuddy smile a bit, "I thought he was being facetious."

"He got it wrong."

"What?"

"He didn't give me everything I asked for; I gave him everything he asked for."

"So you just hired him?"

"No Wilson, I don't mean the job."

"I don't think I want to hear this."

Cuddy smiled, "I'm tired."

"Rest. I'll see you in the morning."

* * *

Cuddy opened her eyes again a few hours later, awakened by the sounds of House returning back to his own bed, "Hey," she half whispered.

House walked over to her bedside and looked down at her. He did a quick, cursory vitals check, "Any pain?"

"No."

He nodded, "Good." She patted the side of her bed and he sat, being careful not to jostle her.

"You should have called me last night if it was that bad."

"I thought you would just show up."

"Why?"

"I was sure you'd show up demanding a proper honeymoon," she said, as she watched him smile, "And It's just like you to annoy me when I'm exhausted."

"I'm sorry, I'll never fail to annoy you again," he said with a smirk.

She smiled, "I don't see any thermometers around here."

House leaned in, kissed her forehead, and then ever so lightly, touched her lips with his. He looked at her grinning, "You know, keep this up and we may not need an annulment."

"I don't want an annulment," she said honestly.

House pulled back, confusion gracing his face, "Why not?"

"An annulment means that it never happened."

"You don't seriously think we'd move in together and settle in with two and half kids, a dog and a white picket fence."

Cuddy stifled a laugh, grimacing just a bit, "That's not what I mean. I want a divorce, not an annulment."

House slowly nodded, "So that this marriage won't cease to exist."

Cuddy smiled, sadly, "This marriage may be the only one I'll ever get. I don't want it to be erased."

"Okay."

"That's it? It's okay?"

"If that's what you want."

"It is."

House nodded, "You should go back to sleep."

"So should you."

"Yes, Mrs. House."

"I'm going to miss that. I always wondered what my married name would be," she yawned, "Silly little childhood dreams."

"You'll still be Mrs. House for the next two weeks."

She smiled again, "I love you."

House snorted, "How much morphine are they giving you?"

"I don't know but I can see why you like it."


	10. Chapter 10

This first ending is about as crackish as I could imagine. Let the ridiculousness begin! This first ending is purposely over the top. It's meant to be overly silly, in a gag, puke, sputter, sputter kind of way...

**Chapter 10: Crackfic Ending**

It was Cuddy's last day of her medical leave. She woke to the sounds of House snoring and she turned on to her side, keeping her head on his shoulder, and placed her hand on his chest. She could get used to this. She thought he could too. Hell, she had gotten used to this.

True to his word, House had never left her side. He slept each night on the second bed while she was in hospital, leaving only to take care of his own basic needs and when she was released from the hospital, he took up residence at her place to look after her. House was in the guest room when he heard her cry out, fearing the worst that first night back in her home. He rushed in to find she'd had a nightmare about burning hotels and not being able to find him. He crawled into her bed, careful not to disturb her stitches and held her in his arms until the throws of the nightmare released her back to the present. She told him about the fear she'd felt that day at the hotel and he managed to refrain from snarking an inappropriate comment, instead holding her until she finally relaxed and fell asleep. He'd slept in her bed ever since.

And now, there they were, weeks later laying arm in arm, comfortable in the other's embrace. She had taken more time off than was necessary; it was in part due to being overworked and in need of a vacation, and in part due to her new found relationship with him. House inhaled at her touch, and cracking one eye open, he looked down at her hand splayed across his chest. He stretched a bit and turned to face her and they peered into one another's eyes for a long time.

He finally broke the silence, "I don't want an annulment."

"What?" she asked, hurt by his sudden change of heart, "I thought we agreed on a divorce?"

He paused, hesitating to finally say it, "I don't want a divorce either."

"You…want to stay married?"

House thought for a moment, pursed his lips and nodded once, "We have the official marriage certificate; we can legally banter now."

Cuddy laughed, "Did you ever imagine me and you…"

"In bed, yes. Married, no."

"And yet you married me."

"I think the fact that you married me is more impressive."

"I would have married you a long time ago if you'd asked," she rested her hand on his face, "It wasn't the morphine talking you know."

"I know." He leaned in and pressed his lips firmly on hers and she responded with equal desire.

Pulling back, she whispered, "I'm not ready for everyone to know yet."

"And you expect this to be kept secret?"

"The marriage, no, but this," she waved her hand indicating him in her bed, "I had hoped it would be our little secret, at least for a little while."

"I could go home."

"Or," she kissed him on the neck, followed by the shoulder, "You could stay."

He placed a peck on her nose, "I could, but what would they say if they knew the married couple was actually acting like a married couple?"

She smiled, "You mean bickering as always?"

He chuckled, "More like screwing our brains out every chance possible."

Cuddy sat up, kissed him on the chin and straddled him, "They've suspected that for years."

"Oh?"

"I overheard two nurses the last night I was in hospital. You were in the shower and they thought I was asleep."

"Well, let's give them something to really talk about," he said with a smirk as he pulled her in close.

* * *

"So Mrs. House, would you like to walk in as the married couple that we are, or would you rather go in separately?" House asked the next day, as they stood in the hospital's parking lot.

"Mr. House, I think they all know we're married. We'll walk in together." He nodded.

They approached the entry way and Cuddy gasped at what waited beyond the front doors. The clinic lobby had been transformed. Rows of white roses, carnations and sweet peas hung from the second floor balcony. There were long rows of white chairs spanning the width of the clinic facing the entrance doors, with a single isle splitting them down the middle. Each isle chair was adorned with more of the white roses, carnations and sweet peas. Nearest the entrance, a large archway stood in the middle, complete with yet even more white flowers and gobs of tulle.

To Cuddy's horror, and admittedly to her amusement, a large banner hung from the center of the second floor balcony, on which existed a large photo of the married couple's wedding night picture; it was the one of them kissing.

House chuckled, and shook his head, "I'm going to kill Wilson. No wait, first Wilson, then Cameron. The photo is all Wilson but everything else wreaks of Cameron." Cuddy sat with mouth agape, wordless.

As if on cue, Wilson appeared at the top of the second floor balcony, "We thought you could use a proper wedding," he said, smiling.

House raised his index finger, wagging it at Wilson but before he could say anything, Wilson disappeared, the balcony filled with members of the staff and the seats on the first floor soon filled with colleagues.

"I can't believe they did this," Cuddy whispered.

"I think our secret's out."

"You don't have to do this, you know," she said reassuringly, hoping he wouldn't disappoint her.

"Hey, we're already married, remember?"

Cuddy looked at him, perplexed, "But, how did they know?"

House stared down at the floor, "I told Wilson I didn't want a divorce."

"When?"

"The night you said you didn't want an annulment."

She smiled at him, shaking her head, "You're just a big sap, aren't you?"

"Am not."

"Are too."

"And what about you, crying when we got married in Vegas?"

"Or how about how you kissed me and said 'I love you' when I was in recovery, right after surgery?"

House paused, "How did…"

"I was awake." She said, smiling from ear to ear. House wore a boyishly, impish grin for a brief moment and quickly resumed a stoic expression upon Wilson's approach.

Cameron was close behind Wilson and she reached for Cuddy's hand, whisking her off to the dean's office.

Wilson shook his head at House, "Come on lover boy, you're not getting married in that."

* * *

"Don't look at me like that. Put this on," Wilson held up a tuxedo in one of the clinic's exam rooms.

House shook his head, "What if she wanted a divorce?"

"She didn't."

"She told you that?"

Wilson looked a bit sheepish, "No, but I took a chance." Wilson shrugged his shoulders, "Don't you have something you want to ask me?"

House motioned for his friend to turn his back while pulled on perfectly pressed pants, "Sorry Jimmy, you're not my type."

"You know that's not what I mean."

House buttoned the crisp white shirt before looking Wilson in the eye, "All this because I didn't ask you to be my best man in Vegas?"

Smiling, Wilson nodded, "And for not telling me about you and her."

House tied his bow tie silently. When he was finished, Wilson stepped up and retied the bow, expertly, "There was no me and her when we got married."

"And yet you got married in Vegas."

"It was for a bet."

"Keep telling yourself that, House. I saw the both of you when we finally found her. You've never looked more relieved in all your life."

House looked Wilson in the eye, took a deep breath and said, "I'm not wearing those," as he pointed towards the highly polished dress shoes at the foot of the exam table.

"I know," Wilson replied, patiently.

House fumbled with the button on his tux, brushed the non existent lint from his jacket, twirled his cane a few times and finally looked up to meet Wilson's gaze, "Will you be my best man?"

"That wasn't so hard now, was it?" Wilson asked with a broad grin.

* * *

House stood nervously gripping his cane in front of the archway, awaiting his bride with Wilson at his side. From the far corner, "Here Comes the Bride" erupted from the wooden piano and everyone stood. Cameron made her way down the isle and took her place near the archway as the maid of honor, tissue already in hand.

And then Cuddy graced the isle. She was dressed head to toe in a proper wedding gown. The dress was simple, classic and not overdone. It was a strapless gown, with a princess neckline, finishing in an elegant skirt, complete with a full, proper veil and a stunning bouquet of white roses and sweet peas. Though the dress was Cameron's, it fit fairly well, not perfectly, but well enough. The dress was borrowed, the sweat peas had shades of blue, and the veil was new. She wore her mother's pearls that day, so they qualified as something old. Cuddy had tears in her eyes and the widest grin House had ever seen.

He took her hands when she approached, and gave her a light squeeze when they first noticed the blinding light of the photographer; a real photographer, not some little old lady with a cheap, disposable camera. Chase officiated, keeping the ceremony simple, "We are gathered here to witness the renewal of wedding vows by two of this hospital's finest." Chase walked them through their vows, with House smirking at her agreement to obey. She smirked back with his agreement to honor and cherish until death do them part.

When he called for the rings. Wilson handed them over and Chase looked at House, "You do know that you're going to have to buy her a real ring?"

"Hey, she's the one making the big bucks." Cuddy smacked him on the arm and he replied, "Okay, okay."

Moments later, Chase said, "You may kiss your bride," and with a quick glance at the ostentatious photo hanging from the balcony, he smiled and said, "Again."

And they did. The pair did not disappoint, recreating the photo looming overhead. Just as the kiss began to intensify, the front doors opened and a woman holding a large tissue to her nose walked in looking bewildered. Foreman jumped up from the front row and guided her towards the clinic's front desk as Cuddy began laughing, resting her forehead on House's shoulder. He too couldn't stifle a chuckle at the intrusion. Somehow, it just seemed appropriate.

Everyone in attendance laughingly applauded, and Cuddy turned to House, "You may not have to conduct a seminar or do extra clinic hours, but you still have your regular clinic hours, Mr. House."

"What about the honeymoon, Mrs. House?"

"That depends on how well your clinic hours go," she smirked.

Fin.

* * *

I had a sweet little scene I wanted to write that would not fit in the first ending and I wanted to play around with the idea a bit. It's not as lighthearted at what I thought a crackfic ending should be, hence the two ending. I far prefer this ending...

**Chapter 10: Not So Crack Ending**

She slapped his hand away, "Will you stop?"

"It's a vitals check, Mrs. House. It's vital."

"House, you don't need to check my vitals five times a day."

"Just trying to be thorough."

"It's been a couple of weeks, I'm fine. No infection."

"It doesn't hurt to…"

She looked at him shaking her head. Knowing he would do just about anything for her, she decided to take advantage of the situation, "I'm hungry. Would you mind cutting that canteloupe and bringing me a glass of water?"

He frowned, "I'll cut it but you need to eat it in the kitchen."

"I'm too tired to walk all the way out there."

"And I'm too crippled to carry all of that in here."

She smiled, "I want some granola with it too."

"Fine," he said through gritted teeth.

"In a bowl, with the granola on the bottom."

"Don't push it."

* * *

Cuddy sat at the kitchen table munching on her bowl of cantaloupe with the granola on the bottom as House choked down a hot dog.

"Mail's here," she said nonchalantly.

House rolled his eyes, "You have two perfectly good legs."

"But I'm still recovering," she said with a mocked smile.

"If you want the mail, go get it yourself. You don't need me to do it. Actually, you don't need me here at all; it's time I go back home before I lose my mind or murder my boss, or both."

She knew he was right, but she really didn't want to see him go. She felt safe knowing he was sleeping just one room over in her guest bedroom. Cuddy watched as he cleared the dishes from the table and placed them in the sink; he didn't do the dishes, Wilson did. Wilson stopped by every evening. In the beginning, he dropped by in genuine concern for her and to assure the curmudgeonly doctor had helped more than hindered her recovery, though there was no need. House had surprisingly been an excellent caretaker. She had never missed a pain pill, he removed her stitches, he made sure she got up and walked around often, he monitored her vitals closely and made sure she ate and rested enough. He catered to her every need and during the first few nights at home, when Cuddy had cried due to the aching pain in her gut that the pain pills couldn't quite touch, he gently, almost lovingly, rubbed her back while she hugged him. Now, she thought Wilson's visits were more to check on House than on herself and to relieve him of his caretaker duty for a couple of hours.

She looked at House, studying him, "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you taking such good care of me?"

"I'm not."

"It's okay, your secret is safe with me. I won't let anyone else know you're a great nurse," she smiled.

House shrugged his shoulders.

"You've been…good to me. How would someone who won't so much as look at his own patient, take care of me for this long?"

"I caused you to fall."

Cuddy stared at him, shocked by his honesty, "It wasn't your fault."

"Not purposely, no."

"I don't blame you. How much sleep did you get those first few nights? Any?"

Again he shrugged.

"I don't know how you, of all people, learned to be such a good care taker."

House looked at her, brows furrowed, "You can't be serious."

She looked confused, "I don't follow."

"Do you think I just went home alone after the infarction?"

She inhaled slightly, her shoulders dropping slightly and closing her eyes she said, "Wilson." She realized that House had been mimicking what Wilson once did for him.

Not wishing to drag out the conversation or dig any further into that memory, she said, "I'll get the mail." She stood up gingerly, and headed for the garage.

It took her nearly ten minutes to make the trek out to the mailbox and back; it was a trip that would normally take less than a minute but at least this was an improvement, considering she could barely move a week a prior. She thumbed through her mail and upon seeing the Las Vegas postmark, her heart dropped just a bit. Walking in through the garage, she was startled as she nearly bumped into House. He stood on the threshold, presumably watching that she safely made it out to the mailbox and back. She handed the envelope to him, wordlessly.

He briefly caught her eye, and pursing his lips he said, "I'll call a lawyer and get the divorce process started."

* * *

"Good morning Dr. Cuddy, nice to have you back," a nurse said from the clinic's front desk. Cuddy walked through the main entrance way and thanked several well wishers; it was nice to return to some semblance of normalcy. It had been a while since she was there acting as dean; after the surgery, she opted to take a leave of absence to recover, taking a little longer than was necessary to incorporate a much needed vacation. She hadn't gone anywhere, instead simply choosing to do a few things around the house, catching a few movies and visiting some of her favorite museums. The break left her refreshed and eager to get back to work.

She entered her office, placed her jacket on the coat rack and took a seat at her desk. She looked around the room and her eyes settled on a picture near the sofa in the corner. She quietly chuckled, and walked over to pick it up. It was the picture of the wedding night kiss.

"Thought you might like a little reminder," Wilson said from the doorway, "Dare I say it? You two look good together. I gave the same one to House too."

Cuddy looked a bit sad, "We're getting a divorce, Wilson. We're just waiting on the final paperwork to come in."

"I know."

"Is he in yet?"

He gave her an incredulous look, "He's House."

She nodded, "When he gets in, tell him I'd like to see him."

"No one knows."

"What?"

"No one, except those who were in on the surgery, knows about your marriage."

"How?"

"Under threat of doctor patient confidentiality, and job loss."

She shook her head, smiling, "Thanks Wilson."

* * *

Cuddy walked up to the diagnostics department and finding the conference room empty, she walked into House's office hoping he might have come in early. Not finding him, she walked around, looking at the various books and odds and ends. She sat at his desk, and double checking that she was alone, she pulled open the top desk drawer. She was surprised to find a framed photo of the two of them with the judge on their wedding night and she smiled at the memory before closing the drawer and heading back down to her office.

* * *

He blasted through her office doors around midday, and dramatically walked up to her desk, "Ah, and I see Mrs. House and her funbags are back in town."

She rolled her eyes, "House."

"Mr. House, thank you very much. You know, we never did consummate our marriage."

She sighed, "DOCTOR House, we need to talk about your semester lecture course."

"You didn't win that bet."

"Yes I did."

"No, you didn't. You had to take the ring off for surgery."

"Well, if you go by that logic, then you owe me two months of extra clinic duty. You had to take your ring off for the surgery too. So, I'll give you a choice. Either do the lecture series or two months worth of clinic duty."

"And what would you call spending every second with you during your recovery?"

"Penance," she grinned broadly, "Lecture or clinic. Decision by tomorrow or I'll decide for you."

"And the fact that I'm still wearing my ring right now counts for nothing? If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have a spleen."

"And if it wasn't for you scaring me half to death in the bathroom, I wouldn't have needed…" she stopped, suddenly aware of what she was saying. She had meant it in a playful way, but the words themselves, she realized, were accusatory.

House moved towards the door, "See you tomorrow Cuddy."

He had called her Mrs. House since she was in the hospital and the sudden use of her own last name saddened her. Her face fell apologetically as the two locked gazes and then he turned to leave.

"House," she called out. He turned to look at her once again.

"Thank you for everything," she said sincerely.

* * *

The next day, Cuddy sat in her office trudging through a mountain of paperwork. Dreading the conversation, she asked her assistant to page House.

Twenty minutes later, he walked in, though with much less flare than he had the day prior, "Doctor. Patients. Busy."

"We need to talk."

"Lecture. Happy now?" He turned towards the door.

"House, come sit down."

He turned to look at her, scowling. He walked over to her desk, sat down opposite her and waited for Cuddy to say something. He watched as she struggled to find the words and then he noticed it, "You're not wearing your ring."

"The divorce papers came. It's official." She slowly pushed the paperwork towards him.

He nodded, and before taking the packet, he pulled his own ring off, opened the manila envelope, dropped the ring inside and closed the envelope's clasp.

"You're not going to say anything?"

"What's there to say?"

She shrugged, "Nothing I guess." He nodded.

She looked him in the eye, and smiled just a bit, "Thanks for divorcing me."

He exhaled through his nose in a half hearted chuckle, "I don't think ex-wives typically thank their ex-husbands for divorcing them."

"You know what I mean. It was real. It counts."

"What did you do with your ring?" He asked, standing up from his chair.

"It's at home in my jewelry box."

House placed his hands on the desk and leaned over so that his face was nearly touching hers, "Really?"

"Really."

House placed his hand on her cheek and she briefly closed her eyes as he lightly brushed his lips across hers. He dragged his finger across her cheek and down her neck, and tucking it just inside the top of her blouse, he pulled out a thin silver chain with the etched ring swinging from it.

He smirked, "You are such a sap."

Cuddy leaned back in her chair, raising one eyebrow, and smiled an embarrassed smile. House sat back down. She opened her desk drawer and pulled out the photo she had found in his desk the day before, "And you're calling me a sap?" she asked, holding it up.

House averted his eyes, though Cuddy noted the hint of surprise on his face, "Wilson gave it to me."

"No he didn't. He gave you the same photo he gave me; the one of us kissing."

House said nothing, but grabbed the photo from her hands and stood to leave.

"House." He once again turned to face her.

She paused, forcing the butterflies in her stomach to stop fluttering and said, "I'm going to Shadows for dinner."

"Should I care?"

"The reservation is for two; I hoped you would join me."

"To celebrate getting a divorce?" he asked, sarcastically.

She sighed, "Most first dates don't end in marriage. I thought maybe we could take it a little more slowly this time."

House stood stock still for what seemed like an eternity, and just when Cuddy was about to give up any hope, he walked back towards her desk. They locked eyes and moments later, he nodded and said, "Okay."

Fin.

* * *

**A/N:** I apologize to those who have faithfully read and enjoyed my stories, provided constructive criticism and given kind reviews. This is in no way directed at you.

glicine: Apparently I typically screw the ending? That's a rather harsh, blanketed statement. So if you feel that way, why bother reading?

I appreciate good, well thought out, and meaningful critiques. I appreciate reviews that simply let me know someone's enjoying my story. I appreciate it when a reader informs me of spelling or grammatical mistakes. I appreciate constructive criticism. What I don't appreciate is someone who criticizes the ending of a story before it's been posted. I find nothing in your words to be in the least bit constructive. Had I not provided an ending suitable for a crackfic, then at that point yes, your comments would have been warranted, but you inappropriately prejudged the ending to this story.

I'm not a professional writer. I write because I enjoy writing; nothing more, nothing less. If my readers enjoy my stories, that's icing on the cake.

If you don't like what I write, don't read it.


End file.
